FUNNY STUFF FROM SUITED AND BOOTED JULY 2002 EDITION

THE EGG AND THE SCOTSMAN There was once an Englishman and a Scotsman who lived next door to each other. The Englishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Scotsman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Scotsman pick up the egg. The Englishman ran up to the Scotsman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Scotsman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Englishman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Scotsman agreed to this and so the Englishman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Scotsman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls.

The Scot fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Scotsman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Englishman said, "Keep the damn egg." ---

HEARING LOSS A man lost both ears in an accident.  No plastic Surgeon could offer him a solution.  He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while and said: " Yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.

The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon and yells: "You bastard, you gave me a woman's ears." "Well, an ear is an ear, it makes no difference whether it is a man's or a woman's." "You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand a thing!"

BODY DYSFUNCTIONS Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, " I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up till nine."

ON MEN: FEMALE ANSWERS

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: Your body is like a temple

Woman: Sorry there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.