FUNNY STUFF FROM SUITED AND BOOTED MARCH 2002 EDITION

AFTER WORK DRINKS A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really steaming last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A BLONDE MOMENT A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F' He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T' She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time. The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.' The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?' The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'

CAT IN HEAVEN A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You have been a good cat all these years. You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.' Well,' said the cat, 'I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' 'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat. 'All our life,' the mice say, 'we've had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn't have to run any more.' God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently nudges him awake and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.'

THE JOY OF MARRIED LIFE A husband and wife are getting snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, 'I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me.' The husband says, 'WHAT!' The wife explains that he can't be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So, the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide which outfit to choose. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth £200 a pair. And then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, `But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it, then let's get it.' The wife is jumping up and down so excitedly she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, 'I am ready to go. Let's go to the cash register.' The husband says, 'No-no-no honey, we're not going to buy all this stuff.' The wife's face goes blank. 'No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.' Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and the husband says, 'You can't be in tune with my financial needs as a man!'