FUNNY STUFF FROM SUITED AND BOOTED MAY 2002 EDITION

JUST DESSERTS “That tap in the bathroom is still dripping. When are you going to do something about it?” says a long suffering wife to her husband. “Do you see Plumb Centre stamped on my forehead?” says the husband. “Give me peace woman!” Wife later: “When are you going to do something with that banister on the stairs? Its been loose for months”. Husband (lying on couch): “Do you see B&Q stamped on my forehead? Can’t you see I’m watching football on the telly?” Wife later: “When are you going to cut that grass in the front garden? Its been ages since it was cut”. Husband: “Do you see Garden Centre stamped on my forehead? I’ve had enough. I’m off down the pub where I can get some peace”. Two hours and several pints later, the husband has an attack of remorse and decides to go home to tackle at least one of the jobs. When he gets back, he’s surprised to find that the grass has been cut. He enters the house and goes upstairs to the bathroom. On the way he notices the banister is no longer loose. He looks in the bathroom and the leaking tap has stopped dripping. “What happened here - how come all those jobs you were nagging me about have been done?” he asks his wife. “Well after you left I tried to cut the grass myself but it was too long and I couldn’t push the mower through it, so I sat down on the step and started crying. Then a nice young man came past and asked what was wrong. When I told him, he said he would do the jobs for me and I could either bake him a cake or give him a b*** job”. “What kind of cake did you bake him?” he asks. “Do you see Delia Smith stamped on my forehead?”.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE GO TRAVELLING A husband and wife are travelling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

PSYCHIATRISTS The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from London, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Edinburgh. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."

DUMPED A young girl had just been dumped by her boyfriend and was devastated. She decided that life was not worth living, so she walked down to the docks and out to the end of a pier. She stood there gathering the courage to jump when a young man grabbed her arm and started talking to her. He told her "I am a seaman sailing for America in the morning and I'll smuggle you aboard my ship and take good care of you" The young lady agreed and the young man smuggled her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. Every day he would bring her food and they made mad passionate love. This went on for THREE weeks! One day the captain was inspecting the ship and lifted the cover of the lifeboat where the girl was hiding. He started interrogating her and she told him of the young sailor who had saved her and was being so nice to her. The captain said " Young lady, This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!!!!!“

THE SHERIFF AND THE NAKED MAN One day the Arkansas county sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well, Sheriff, me and MaryLou was down on the farm and we started a-cuddlin.' MaryLou said we should go in the barn and we did. Inside the barn we started a kissing and a-cuddlin' some more and things got pretty hot and heavy. Well, then MaryLou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. So, I took off all my clothes except my boots. Then MaryLou lay herself on the hay and said 'Okay Billy-Bob, lets go to town!'... I guess I'm the first one here!"